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Marching Band Funnies

In no particular order)

15. Section leaders with attitudes.

14. Having absolutely no social life from July to November.

13. Five hour rides on a school bus to nearby states to go to compititions that we lose.

12. Eighth Grade Band Night.

11. Having to sit in alphabetical order.

10. Ugly red shoes that don't fit.

9. Ugly three color uniforms that don't fit.

8. Having to march at a backwards slide through trombones.

7. Marching for five hours in 100 degree heat.

6. Doing number seven for five days in a row.

5. Heel-side-ball-toe.

4. Getting a new briuse every rehursal from a different flag.

3. "Sorry, I can't go Friday. Gotta march at the football game."

2. "Can't go Saturday, either. Gotta march in a contest."

1. "One more time!" (yeah right) "Run it back. Go go go." After your big move from one ten yard line to the other.

The symptoms you've been in band just a bit too long...

1. When you hear music and you start marking time.
2. When you walk behind someone and fall into step with them.
3. When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song.
4. When all your friends are in the band.
5. When changing clothes on the bus is a normal occurrence.
6. When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio.
7. When every guy/girl you're interested in is in the band.
8. When you actually like wearing your uniform.
9. When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you mean my flute/trumpet/drum/etc.?"
10. When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory.
11. When you've had a "trombone-ectomy".
12. When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog or cat.
13. When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.
14. When people worry when they see you without your instrument.
15. When "armed guard," means a girl with a pole, instead of a guy with a gun. (Or it could mean a girl with a WOODEN gun...)
16. When band camp is FUN!
17. When you respond to "hey, band nerd."
18. When someone says the word "box" and you automatically put your head up.
19. When you remember the order of flats and sharps more easily than your own name.
20. When you dress the lunch line, and urge others to do the same.
21. When you're alone and you suffocate because there's no one telling you to Breathe.
22. When having your feet parallel to your legs feels natural.
23. When your instrument has a name.
24. When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your mom's.
25. When making a straight line is your biggest accomplishment of the day.
26. When back-marching no longer reminds you of ballet.
27. When you give your instrument a birthday party, balloons and everything.
28. When you can make brown shoes look white (or red).
29. When your uniform fits.
30. When red feathers become a fashion "do".
31. When you see your section more than you see your family.
32. When everyone wants to kill the other football team... you want to kill the other band.
33. When you hear "Number Two" and think Andy Jones. 34. When you think evening practices should last a half-hour longer.
35. When you accidentally call your band director "Dad".
36. When you CAN sight-read.
37. When you have races with others to see who can put on their uniform quickest.
38. When reeds taste good.
39. When mouthpiece disinfectants become part of your daily diet.
40. When you think your plume is alive.
41. When marking time is your favorite form of exercise.
42. When you have a neck strap/harness tan line.
43. When you subconsciously start practicing in math class with a pencil, marching it up and down along the y-coordinate line like it's the 50.
44. When numbers past 8 aren't important.
45. When you're more opinionated about the Madison Scouts/Phantom Regiment Rivalry than the O.J. trial.
46. When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you won't spill your lunch.
47. When you'd rather practice than read this list.
48. When letters past G aren't important.
49. When your instrument and hands bond, literally.
50. When you can identify with all of these symptoms.

Musician Jokes (in score order)(Some don't make much sense, but...)

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?br> When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."

What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
"Music Minus One"

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.